My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
You Might Also Like
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles