Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
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Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”