[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
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According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
shampoo implies shampee
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.