[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
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“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.