In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
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Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
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