He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.