Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
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Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
incredible text to wake up to
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I only eat vegetarians.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt