genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?