Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
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I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
CUTE CAT‼︎
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?