“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
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A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe