Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
You Might Also Like
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate