Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
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Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
opening a flower shop called women in stem
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.