Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
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get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,