Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
You Might Also Like
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?