A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”