“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
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oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait