Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
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Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
this has to be peak English
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
How does one answer this?
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?