OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
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[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.