a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
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Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
some cats are just doing for fun!
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.