I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
me logging onto twitter
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”