I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
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game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.