Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.