I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
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Just say no
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
what could possibly go wrong?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean