Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
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Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Still cracks me up
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.