My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
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mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”