*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
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This meal prepping shit easy
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
doing some research
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.