Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
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5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet