Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.