I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
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is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.