I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
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You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]