My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.