going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
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My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.