This took me a few seconds.. 😅
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The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Monday
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.