first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
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Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”