So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
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I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Encore…
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence