sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
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Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”