Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
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Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.