Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.