Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.