How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
You Might Also Like
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
How to wake up a Beagle
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
A customer told me they were never coming back….
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
🤣🤣💀
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh