[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
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ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.