#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
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Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.