Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
the prophecies have been fulfilled
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.