Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.