[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
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[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.