Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
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there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
☠️☠️☠️
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
OH. COME. ON.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
There are usually two types of merchants.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.