greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
You Might Also Like
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Thrilling chase underway
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol