‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.