[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.