*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
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My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?